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Q&A - 200808

I Have Conceived a Child of a Man I Do Not Love. What Shall I Do?

Q :

I recently discovered that I have conceived a child of a person whom I did not date for very long and who is five years younger than I am. I was dating him thinking only of the moment, therefore, I was bewildered when I learned that I was pregnant. When I told him that I was pregnant, he said, “We should get married.” It worried me a great deal and I did not know what to do. I thought the short cut to happiness was for us to get married, thus, we went to see our parents and receive their blessings. Before too long, my mind once again started to waver. If he was someone I originally loved, I would want to see him everyday and would want to do something for him but I had no desire to do anything like that and instead I started to suffer for I did not love him. I have no intention of aborting the baby, however, I do not know if I should have the baby by myself. Or, do you think I am not doing my best to love this person.
(I.S., 31 years old, female)

A :

Response given by Reverend Yasuo Mera, Seicho-No-Ie Ordained Minister

First, there is a new life within you. Congratulations! This life has found its way to you choosing you as its mother. When I learned that it was your intention to give birth to the baby even though it was a natural course one takes as a rule, I was very happy. I urge you to take good care of this child who has been given to you to raise. You are now given the right to worship the child who has chosen you as the mother and to raise him as you worship the baby with a grateful mind.

This baby has only you as its mother and does not have anyone else to turn to. What is this baby going to look like when it is born? How is this baby going to sound like when it calls you “Mother”? This baby, breathing in you, is greatly dependent on you and is innocently waiting to meet its mother and father. How lovely and mysteriously wonderful it is!

You are saying, “I am carrying a child of a person I do not love,” but what is it that brought you to the point where you are tormenting yourself? It was because you were casually dating this person just for the time being and ended up having a physical relationship with him, isn’t that right? To have a sexual relationship without arriving at a decision to become a father and mother, even though you may not become pregnant, you are running the risk of using your physical body as a tool for having fun which is an act of impeding one’s dignity.

Something like this is seeking enjoyment in others through the acts of sex that are thoughtless and does not give you any respect but is only a selfish desire that seeks to fulfill one’s sexual desire. A true love is two halves of a soul living in separate physical bodies finding each other and is a feeling of wishing to become one with each other, the original perfect body. It is also explained in the following way. “If there is an awareness that this love may develop into a love that they will not regret, it is a good loving situation and they should openly date each other. However, without having any intention of getting married, if they only wish to enjoy each other, kissing and embracing in ecret, that is not love but is a cowardly way of acting out their sexual desires.” (Newly Edited Truth, pp. 326-327)

The Importance of Becoming a Father and Mother of a Child

The reason why you are at a loss concerning the result of a relationship “for the time being” is because it was an act conducted while taking things lightly. The right order for dating to reach the point of pregnancy is as follows:
(1) Dating.
(2) Proposal.
(3) Report to parents for consent.
(4) Engagement and Wedding.
(5) Life of marriage.
(6) Conception.

You skipped the very important steps between 1 and 5. However, since you have already become a father and a mother, there is no going back. You must with seriousness accept what has happened and hopefully do your best to make up what you have skipped.

Fortunately, this man is saying, ‘Let’s get married.” He is doing this because he is determined to become a husband and a father. Since both of your parents have given you their blessings, there already is a wonderful environment set up for you. I urge you to immediately become his wife by officially entering your name in the family register. If you refuse this opportunity, there will not be any future for you.

When you two become a father and a mother, you are expressing your grateful mind to your parents and further expressing your gratitude to the ancestors of both of your families. I feel that you should be especially grateful to your father. We have meetings of married women called, “Meeting of Young Wives,” everywhere throughout Japan. If you inquire about it at the Seicho-No-Ie Missionary Center nearby, I can assure you that you will meet wonderful friends there and it will help you to build a bright and happy home for your family.

From Riso Sekai (Ideal World), December 2007, pp. 59-61

©Reverend Yasuo Mera